I ask this question – ‘Can a married man love (his wife and) another woman?’ I can already hear the replies – some (typically men) say ‘yes’, many more (typically women) say ‘no’. I have heard others say that ‘marriage and love are both dependent and independent’…dependent because one must love a spouse BEFORE marriage but independent because many marriages survive even the lack of love (for different reasons). I prefer to use scenarios to answer my questions and so I will tell you a short story and then ask you again if you believe this, or not.
It was 1993. Peter saw her first. He was at a nightclub in downtown Houston. She was on the dance floor, dancing to a popular hip-hop song by ‘Naughty by Nature’. As he watched her, he realized he was holding his breath, and as he tried to relax he started to hyperventilate. He could hear his heartbeat as if it was a violent knock on a door. He could feel blood flowing underneath his skin, causing him to flush and sweat. She was dancing still, shaking her hips and rolling her backside in seamless rhythm. He looked at her body, undressing her with his eyes as he did so. Oh, the curves – on her chest, her hips, and her butt…the curves strained through her clothing, trying to burst out. And, oh, they were lovely to behold. Then their eyes met.
Sandra was dancing on the dance floor. She was enjoying herself. She was singing to the music – ‘Hip Hop Hooray, oooooo, heeeeeey, ooooooh….’ She knew that she could dance and she knew all eyes would be on her at this moment. Yes, she knew she would be the best dancer in this club by far. She hoped that her clothes were not too tight and distracting, but hey, she didn’t really care. She wasn’t here to meet any guy – she just wanted to have fun tonight. She came with two of her girlfriends – they all weren’t planning to meet any guys tonight – they just wanted to dance and party. As she was dancing, she noticed (out of the corners of her eyes) that there was a man watching her intently. She tried to ignore him but she couldn’t. There was something about him…She resisted looking back at him, but in the end she succumbed to the unyielding pressure. Then their eyes met.
That was almost 20 years ago. But let me tell you what happened after their eyes locked. They both smiled, he approached her (and she him). They chatted. They exchanged phone numbers. They started going out and their love for each other knew no bounds. They were psychologically, emotionally, and physically intimate (even though they were not yet married). But then their love was interrupted – he was a soldier and was shipped off to war in 1993 (the Bosnian war). He promised to marry her when he returned. Well, in 1994, she became ‘born-again’. She had to repent of her past, and her sins of ‘immorality’. She had to forget Peter – because he was part of her ‘past’. She stopped responding to his letters. She met a ‘brother’ in the church who she married. Peter didn’t find her when he came back home in 1995 (he tried, but he just couldn’t find her). He joined the police force (because of his military training). In his spare time, he would look for her. He married (in 2002), but he still thought about Sandra from time to time. One day, a call came in and Peter was dispatched. There had been shots fired in a certain house and the neighbors had called 9-1-1. Peter got there first. When he got in, he saw two bodies, one was a man and the other was a woman. He checked the pulses – the man was dead, three bullet wounds to the chest. The woman was still alive, stab wounds all over the body. She looked familiar except her face was all bloodied from injuries. Then their eyes met.
Sandra had killed her husband but it was ruled as an act of self-defense and she was classified as a victim of domestic abuse. She had stopped loving him a long time ago. Peter divorced his wife (he realized that even though he loved her, he loved Sandra more). Peter married Sandra on February 14, 2011 (on Valentine’s day).
I ask this question – ‘Can a married man love (his wife and) another woman?’