CAN A MARRIED MAN LOVE (HIS WIFE AND) ANOTHER WOMAN? By: Femi Job (a.k.a Mystikey)

by mystikey

I ask this question – ‘Can a married man love (his wife and) another woman?’ I can already hear the replies – some (typically men) say ‘yes’, many more (typically women) say ‘no’. I have heard others say that ‘marriage and love are both dependent and independent’…dependent because one must love a spouse BEFORE marriage but independent because many marriages survive even the lack of love (for different reasons). I prefer to use scenarios to answer my questions and so I will tell you a short story and then ask you again if you believe this, or not.

It was 1993. Peter saw her first. He was at a nightclub in downtown Houston. She was on the dance floor, dancing to a popular hip-hop song by ‘Naughty by Nature’. As he watched her, he realized he was holding his breath, and as he tried to relax he started to hyperventilate. He could hear his heartbeat as if it was a violent knock on a door. He could feel blood flowing underneath his skin, causing him to flush and sweat. She was dancing still, shaking her hips and rolling her backside in seamless rhythm. He looked at her body, undressing her with his eyes as he did so. Oh, the curves – on her chest, her hips, and her butt…the curves strained through her clothing, trying to burst out. And, oh, they were lovely to behold. Then their eyes met.

Sandra was dancing on the dance floor. She was enjoying herself. She was singing to the music – ‘Hip Hop Hooray, oooooo, heeeeeey, ooooooh….’ She knew that she could dance and she knew all eyes would be on her at this moment. Yes, she knew she would be the best dancer in this club by far. She hoped that her clothes were not too tight and distracting, but hey, she didn’t really care. She wasn’t here to meet any guy – she just wanted to have fun tonight. She came with two of her girlfriends – they all weren’t planning to meet any guys tonight – they just wanted to dance and party.  As she was dancing, she noticed (out of the corners of her eyes) that there was a man watching her intently. She tried to ignore him but she couldn’t. There was something about him…She resisted looking back at him, but in the end she succumbed to the unyielding pressure. Then their eyes met.

That was almost 20 years ago. But let me tell you what happened after their eyes locked. They both smiled, he approached her (and she him). They chatted. They exchanged phone numbers.  They started going out and their love for each other knew no bounds. They were psychologically, emotionally, and physically intimate (even though they were not yet married). But then their love was interrupted – he was a soldier and was shipped off to war in 1993 (the Bosnian war). He promised to marry her when he returned. Well, in 1994, she became ‘born-again’. She had to repent of her past, and her sins of ‘immorality’. She had to forget Peter – because he was part of her ‘past’. She stopped responding to his letters. She met a ‘brother’ in the church who she married. Peter didn’t find her when he came back home in 1995 (he tried, but he just couldn’t find her). He joined the police force (because of his military training). In his spare time, he would look for her. He married (in 2002), but he still thought about Sandra from time to time. One day, a call came in and Peter was dispatched. There had been shots fired in a certain house and the neighbors had called 9-1-1. Peter got there first. When he got in, he saw two bodies, one was a man and the other was a woman. He checked the pulses – the man was dead, three bullet wounds to the chest. The woman was still alive, stab wounds all over the body. She looked familiar except her face was all bloodied from injuries. Then their eyes met. 

Sandra had killed her husband but it was ruled as an act of self-defense and she was classified as a victim of domestic abuse. She had stopped loving him a long time ago. Peter divorced his wife (he realized that even though he loved her, he loved Sandra more). Peter married Sandra on February 14, 2011 (on Valentine’s day).

I ask this question – ‘Can a married man love (his wife and) another woman?’

{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }

shola February 7, 2012 at 6:39 pm

I had a bit of a challenge figuring out the title for starters; did the writer mean to ask, ‘is a married man ALLOWED to love another woman?’ Or ‘is it possible for a married man to fall/be in love with another woman?’ Either way I think it’s pretty well known that many married people do find themselves loving some other person other than their spouse. And a thousand and one scenarios can be imagined as to why this (totally uncool situation) might be. Since I still don’t know if the article/story is about right and wrong, I’ll refrain from saying anything along those lines. However, I think the world would be a better place with fewer men like Peter out there, who divorced his wife because even though ‘he loved her, but he loved Sandra more.’

mystikey February 7, 2012 at 7:39 pm

Shola, you are right. The title is not very clear and the moral of the story is even more nebulous. The writer is simply trying to debunk the generally acccepted idea that a married man cannot love his spouse and another woman at the same time (that it is either one or the other, as is the generally accepted norm regarding erotic love). The author proceeded by introducing a story in which the man is not necessarily an ‘adulterer’ (as would be expected of a man that loves another woman in addition to his spouse). This story is not really about right or wrong – it is not about adultery, neither is it about a rationalization and justification of adultery. Rather, it is a radical expression aimed at challenging the concept of what love is when viewed through the lens of reality (as opposed to a fairytale construct).

Yimika February 8, 2012 at 11:58 am

Yeah the title is a bit lop- sided. Almost anything CAN happen.
‘Should’ is another issue..

jennifer June 18, 2012 at 10:35 pm

Dis story is so so touchin,nd captivatin,it kept me on my seat all time long! Kudos jare!

Ronke July 19, 2012 at 7:36 pm

Hey is it me or is this plain bull shit. What about the woman he married….is she suppose to be a victim of circumstance. Did he make that clear to her that if he finds Sandra later in the future, he’ll divorce her. I don’t know…but his wife am sure married him for love and gave her all to the marriage. The man is selfish, he should not have committed at all and just waited for his Sandra….olodo. He better watch his back, cos he too might just get a bullet in his head..could be either of his wives…..

Mereimage January 22, 2013 at 4:59 pm

Sometimes things happen unexpectedly and I don’t believe that parties involved always intend to hurt each other. People fall in and out of love for several reasons that we may not always understand. I would have love to read a happier ending of this story, but despite the ending I believe a married man/woman can love someone else and still love their spouse. Situations and circumstances draws people to each other and though you never mean’t for it to happen LOVE sometimes find its way into your heart (right or wrong).

Mary April 1, 2013 at 1:22 pm

@Mereimage, Never well said. *Thumbs up*

Funni April 24, 2013 at 9:50 am

Things happen, Most of the time our emotions get the best of us, but our ability to manage it is what counts. 20 years is a long time they are not the same people anymore, to divorce his wife just because he found the girl that makes his heart skip is just plain stupid. i hope he find what he is looking for, and if he doesn’t tough luck.

zulu April 3, 2014 at 5:47 pm

as someone who had a similar dilema, I can say you can not love both. I fell in love with another, and though i care about my wife the feeling of being in love is no longer there. I thought i loved both, but if I loved my wife i wouldn’t have strayed in the first place. The feelings i have now i have never had for my wife, and we are married 20 years. I really don’t believe you can love both.

PEG May 15, 2014 at 7:31 pm

I can’t believe how the people on here are blaming Peter, sorry but yes you can love more then one person…bottom line is, life is very short and I think people should do what makes them happy, no one likes to hurt anyone, but to me there had to have been more love and things in common with Sandra then the woman he was married too. What spend his entire life regretting, wondering always what if…who wants to live like that! You can love someone, but not be in love with them there is a big difference!

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